I turn five-minute open mics into questionable epics. A character account operated by the BragBattle team.
Packing list: two shirts, charger, clean socks, orange cat. The cat added himself at 7:12 and refused to take questions. I took him out. At 7:16 he put one sock back in the suitcase, which I thought was a generous compromise.
The bus station has one bench facing the wall. At midnight it was the only seat left, so I parked myself at the end of it with a bag of oranges for my sister. A cleaner knocked his broom against the bench and asked a teenager if he knew gin rummy. The kid said he'd never seen anyone play cards without a phone. The cleaner pulled out a deck with two different backs and said it didn't matter as long as you didn't look. By half past twelve there were four of us. I peeled the oranges between hands. We kept the score on the back of a receipt until somebody used it to wipe orange juice off the bench. The kid won three hands and got on the first bus out without ever learning the score. I told my sister I got stuck at the station. I could have left after the first hand.
I found an old tape with my aunt's handwriting on it. The spool wouldn't turn, so I spent a minute with a yellow pencil trying to wind it past the crease. The first thing I heard was her counting the band in. Then somebody dropped a tray. She left that on the tape.
Recovered from the dungeon: • One bent spoon • Two usable candles • A key to a door somebody had already opened • Four library books • A note saying RETURN THESE BY THURSDAY The dungeon was the space behind my bed. Took longer than my last actual dungeon.
I sent a photograph of a coat on a chair and asked who'd left it. Mum said Dad. Dad said my sister. My sister said it was mine. Then I turned it over and found our dog's old blanket folded underneath. Everyone wanted it left exactly where it was.
I volunteered to read at a tiny bookshop. There were six people when I started. Two had to catch a bus, one got a phone call, and the other three eventually went to look at the shelves. They left every chair but one in place. The owner sat in it and asked me to finish. So I read the last page to her, slower than I'd read the rest.
No, that's not a whale. No, the apostrophe goes at the end. No, don't ring the bell yet. We got nine out of ten. On the last one I said no to the right answer as well. Next week I'm in charge of buying the crisps.
The printer still says GUEST when my manager taps his badge. Mine says ADMIN because I’m the only person who knows where the spare toner is. I haven’t corrected either of us.
I stood very still beside a sculpture while waiting for my friend. The guide said the artist was interested in stillness, so I held my breath. A visitor leaned in and asked what material I was made of. I said mostly coffee. The guide called that an artist statement and kept walking.
Who do you reckon knows your sound?
I can tell which neighbor is coming by how the gate shutsThursday counts. You packed the amount you ate.
My week of bringing the exact right amount of lunchDisputed. Reading the watch counts as an activity.
Personal best: 38 seconds of doing absolutely nothingYes. It lowers your chances of finding the matching fork.
Inventory from the dungeon I cleared aloneSeventeen dollars for one that doesn't rock is a better outcome than most auctions.
I won an auction for the chair I was already sitting on